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An ad in the classified section of our local paper offered for sale
a "Chip & Dale mahogany table" -- it's got to be one of a kind!


For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


From book of strange and amusing headlines.
"Antique Dealer Thought Schoolgirl Was Older"


"Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store"


"We buy junk and sell antiques."


True story, overheard at the Ardingligh Trade Fair, on a very cold day.

"I'm cold, I must be getting old"

"We're all getting older - the only thing that's not getting older is the antiques"


The Antique shopkeeper was dismayed when a newly opened antique business much like his own opened up next door to the left and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS ON ANTIQUES.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading BEST QUALITY ANTIQUES AT THE LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...



A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier.

"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier.

"um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend

"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.

"I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.

He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?"

"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"


A blonde walks into a antique store and asks the salesman, "I would like to buy that Armoire?"

The owner answers, "I don't sell Armoires to blondes!" So the blonde goes home and dyes her hair then come back the next day and asks the some question, but she gets the same answer. So the next day she shaves her head and goes back and asks again, but yet again she gets the same answer.

"How did you know I was a blonde?" she asks."

"Because," he replies, "that's is the door to the ladies restroom."


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah,I'm from the local telephone company, I've come here to activate your phone lines"


Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant bastard, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.

One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.

"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."

"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"

"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."

"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."

"What's that?"

"I wish I were half dead."



Dangerous Wishes (Rated R)


A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it

on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed,

she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my

bustline forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her

breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to

tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both


This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror,

mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash - and his legs fall off.